I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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