xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
