Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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