You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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