Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
