You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
