My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
