I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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