You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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