I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize