i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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