I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
All I want is dick and wine.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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