Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
