Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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