Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
