Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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