Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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