If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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