i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
