In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
