apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
