Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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