who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
