Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She told me I should be a condom model.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
