Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
