He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
