I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
