I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize