just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
