I molested 6 butterflies tonight
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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