i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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