Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize