I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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