my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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