I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
