In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
