we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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