Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
