We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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