i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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