Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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