i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
