look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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