dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
