? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
