we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I am naked and annoyed.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
