Where are you?
In a non slutty way
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
