I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
