Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
