he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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