yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
