the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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