so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize