taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
