FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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