A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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