I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
