Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
