i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
