No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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